Living in Panic City

5 beautiesIt’s 5:55am, and I’ve been awake for over an hour, anxiety clawing at my chest like a wild creature in a trap. I leave for Michigan in four days. Yesterday I received an offer for a job that I’ve wanted for two years and have been courting for two months. My travel plans are in place and I have enough time in my schedule that I can take the scenic route across the country and still have a week or so to settle into my new apartment before I start work. I’ve got people lined up, starting today, to help me finish my packing.

And still I wake up too early every morning and lie in the dark fighting panic.

I’ve been staying up too late again, back in the trap of not wanting to settle in to sleep. And between going out with friends, getting in what time together we can before my move, and the occasional desperate bid to calm myself, I’ve been drinking more than I prefer, though certainly still much less than I used to. Beth tells me it’s absolutely normal for me to be stressing. After all, I am leaving my home, friends and habits of eleven years. I’m starting a new job in a new town – and until yesterday, I didn’t know whether or not I even had a job to go to.

My gut has been bothering me again, for the past month, and I’m not too happy about that. My doctor said it sounds like I may be having histamine reactions – in other words, allergic reactions to my food. That’s not uncommon in someone with leaky gut. The whole system gets so out of whack that it’s overstimulated. In an effort to calm things down, a person starts limiting the diet, eating larger quantities of less variety, cutting out known exacerbaters (in my case grains, dairy, sugar, coffee, etc). The overstimulated system begins having allergic reactions to the larger quantities …. It’s a self perpetuating problem. My doctor suggested that it might be good for me to go on a rotation diet. The plan would be not eat any food more than once every four days. No kidding. So, if I had a tomato or a potato or some chicken on Monday, then no more tomato or potato or chicken until Friday. It’s a pretty complex system, because one has to avoid eating things that are even in the same family for those full four days. I got a book that lays it all out in very concise detail, and it’s full of recipes …. There’s no simplifying this diet; it’s going to take a whole lot of energy to figure it out, to prepare the foods, to keep track. A lot of people have great success with it, though, because those days off allow the body to settle down. After a while of being diligent, many people’s food allergies decrease – a lot! – or clear up altogether. That sounds great to me. But right now, it’s one more thing to stress about, so it’s got to go “back burner” till I’m settled in.

I know that my body is healing. I’m responding to things differently, my mind is sharper, my memory better, I have more motivation, I’m getting things done. But right now I am definitely in a “two steps back” phase, and I am most certainly not enjoying it! The good news is, this too shall pass. I’ve got the support I need. My ducks are all neatly lined up. Everything is coming together. All I’ve got to do is keep on keeping on. And I can do that. I’m a professional.

4 thoughts on “Living in Panic City

  1. Markus Thonett

    Hi Sarah, I see you walking through your life in peace and confidence. Just like in the picture on your profile. I see continuous joy and happiness emerging from working at your chosen job, playing and interacting with friends and loved ones and from all your creative feelings, inspirations and activities. Life is good and You are evidently making something great with the rich and varied hand that life is dealing you. And that too is getting better and better as you are experiencing and expecting it to be so.
    If you ever feel anxious or worried remember that worrying is a misuse of the imagination 🙂 Try to turn the energy into more interesting and beneficial-to-you imaginings. Be gentle with you as you are the only one of your kind! The only and amazing precious Sarah. I think people like you and me are saved by having a great sense of humour too.
    Best wishes for all the road ahead; both in the short term and in long run.

  2. SarahS

    Living In Paradise: I see you on a grand adventure, discovering wonderful things about yourself and magical new abilities of which you’d never dreamed as you create and settle into your new life. What a magnificent creation it is! And there’s always more to discover. Well done, Princess Valiant!

    Sarah S


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *